Yellow Butterfly
by Veratrum
Summary: God, you always loved that river, I bet your heaven looks just like it. I'll like it too, even though it scares me now. When I'm with you, I'll be just fine.


Authors note- I absolutely love this song and I've been mulling it over in my head on whether or not I should write this story. I decided I would (even though I have 6 or so other stories I need to write!). I changed some things and replaced some instances with others and I love how it turned out! This is a very sad song by the name of Yellow Butterfly, artists name Meg and Dia. I suggest you give it a listen! But you can read this story without having heard the song previously.

**Axel, September 8th, 2008**

"C'mon Axel!" Roxas laughed as he pulled me out of the car. "I swear, you're moving so slow today."

"Well you'd be slow too if you'd been pulled out of bed and forced to get dressed just to go to a river," I said grumpily, letting myself be pulled through the thin trees into a small clearing. The river itself ran through a steep incline, and it was pretty deep.

"I wanted to show you the river," he pouted. "I've been here hundreds of times, but I always come alone and I wanted you to see it. Look! Butterflies!" He said excitedly, eyes following a large yellow one from flower to flower.

"Roxy, you know I hate water," I told him, sitting down on the grass and digging my fingers in the dirt. It felt soft and airy, perfect for plants to grow in. "And you can't even swim! Though, I could make this area into a small garden..." I mused, wiping my hands on my jeans.

"Ugh, I never expected you to _garden _of all things. I can still remember how surprised I was to find out you had flowers growing in the windowsill next to your bed. Mister macho man over here," Roxas teased, and I laughed.

"You laugh at me now, but who grows the groceries?" I teased back, throwing a clod of dirt at him, but missing.

"Your aim is as bad as your comebacks," he sneered, kicking his shoe off towards me. It hit me in the chest, of course.

"Whoa, Roxy, I know I'm irresistable but I'd rather not have sex out here. Stop taking off your clothes," I said, waggling my eyebrows.

Roxas just rolled his eyes, took his other shoe off, and sat on the edge of the riverbank, humming to himself and purposely ignoring me.

Scoffing, I picked a couple of wilted daffodils out of the dirt and shook them, taking out the seeds of the ones that rattled, sticking them in my pocket. I'd grow them at home and brighten up my garden when they actually grew in a few years.

I sighed and flopped onto my back, shutting my eyes. This place was pretty nice, I'll give him that. I may come here more often with the little runt. I smiled to myself as I began daydreaming on the soft grass with the smells of the earth all around me. The rushing water and twitter of birdsong was the last thing I heard before I fell into a light sleep.

* * *

I was violently woken up by someone screaming my name, followed by a loud splash. I opened my eyes and shot up from the grass, immediately realizing that it was Roxas. _Roxas_. He was in trouble.

I ran over to the riverbank, the last place I had seen him, and looked down into the rushing water. Absolutely nothing. No thrashing, no bubbles, just the water rushing peacefully downstream. I frantically looked all around, not seeing him, and then I realized he must have been carried downstream. Stupid, so stupid! Roxas couldn't fucking swim. Why did I even leave him alone?

Without stopping to take off my clothes, I dived into the water. How much time had I wasted just looking around? My head broke the surface and I gasped, cold water soaking me to the bone. I dove back under and looked under the water for any sight of Roxas. Nothing.

I came up for another breath of air, shivering, and dived down again when my lungs were full of oxygen. Oxygen that Roxas needed. Was that a body? I powered my arms through the water. Yes! He was pressed up against a rock, not moving.

Not moving.

No.

No! I grabbed him by the shirt and dragged him above my head, trying to get him out of the water, swimming to the rock he was pressed against and pushing him onto it. I dragged myself after him and checked to see if he was breathing.

He wasn't.

"No, Roxas, breathe! Breathe damn it!" I said desperately, placing my hands on his chest and pumping. Nothing was happening. Opening his mouth, I breathed precious oxygen into him, feeling his chest rise as his lungs filled with it. I began pumping again, trying to get the water out, trying to save him.

Part of me knew it was too late, but another part of me wouldn't let me give up. "Breathe for me, Roxas! You need to breathe! Please," I said, desperately, and I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. I breathed more oxygen into him and started pumping harder. Water was coming out of his mouth and dribbling onto the rock, but his eyes were glassy and lifeless.

I recoiled when I heard and felt a cracking under my palms; I'd been pumping so hard I cracked one of his ribs, and that was when it hit me: Roxas wasn't going to wake up. He was gone. I turned my head and retched into the water, emptying my stomach of last nights dinner.

When I finished I gently picked up his small body, shuddering at how cold it was. I tried not to think about how I was holding my other half's dead body as I climbed up the riverbank and walked through the grass back to the car, setting him gently down across the backseat.

Before I shut the door, all I could whisper in a broken voice was "Sorry." The tears finally fell as I got into the drivers seat and took out my phone.

**Riku, March 11th, 2009**

"Sora, he's hurting enough as it is! Stop making it worse," I hissed through my teeth. Axel was in the next room, and I was sure he could hear every word my boyfriend was yelling at me.

"He killed my brother, Riku! I don't give a damn if he's hurting. He isn't hurting _enough _if you ask me," he said violently, and I shook my head sadly.

"You weren't there when he called me telling me what happened. You weren't there when he wanted to bury Roxas by the river, but the city wouldn't let him so he bought the land just for Roxas. You didn't go to your own brother's funeral because you were so angry at Axel. And you haven't watched him visit that damn river every Monday since it happened just to sit there and cry. He's in so much pain about this, and he's probably killed his liver with how much he's been drinking. So stop, Sora. Please."

I pulled him into my arms and stroked his hair. "Imagine how you would feel if something happened to me and you felt like it was your fault."

Sora just pushed me away, his eyes full of tears. "We've had this argument a thousand times. Riku! That would never happen, because I would never be so careless. It doesn't matter what you say, he's responsible for this, and I've lost my brother because of it," he said, turning on his heel. "I'm leaving, I can't deal with this, tell me when _he's _gone," Sora said, gesturing towards the door to the room Axel was in.

"Yeah, he's gone every Monday to the place you've never been at all to see your brother, so why don't you come back then? He's never missed a day," I said scathingly. "Oh, and Sora? Guess what?"

He turned to look back at me, door open. "Yeah?"

"He hates that place more than you do."

I felt a little guilty when I saw his face twist in pain, and watched him as he slammed the door, but I brushed the feeling aside. Why couldn't he see that Axel felt as horrible about this as he did? And Sora wasn't even the one with Roxas when he died. I couldn't even imagine the pain Axel must be going through feeling responsible for it.

I shook my head and pushed open the door to the living room, sighing. I was pretty sure Axel had heard all that, but I wanted to make sure. It wouldn't be the first time, and I didn't want him feeling worse than usual.

When I came into the room he was sitting in his usual spot, staring out the window, quiet. It always unnerved me seeing Axel so quiet. Before the 'incident' he was the most talkative and outgoing person anyone knew, and he's been my best friend for years.

He didn't even look at me when I sat next to him on the couch, just kept staring out the window at nothing. Or maybe something only he could see.

"Hey, Axel. How are you holding up?" I asked, setting my hand on his shoulder.

He was silent for a minute. "I can still hear him, you know."

"Hear him?"

"Yeah. Hear him screaming my name before he hits the water. It's the only part of his voice I can remember. I try, so hard, to remember his voice, but all I can hear is that scream…" he trailed off.

My heart almost broke. This was almost as bad as the time Xigbar had called me and told me to come pick up Axel from the bar. The first time he'd been drunk off his ass. When I came to pick him up he just fell against me, sobbing, saying over and over "Tell me he's home, he's waiting for me at home, bring him back, Riku. Lie to me. Please lie to me."

I just dragged him home and didn't say anything. That would stay with me forever, I knew it would. And now he was telling me he still hears him screaming…

"Axel? Did you maybe think that you would be happier if…' I hesitated. "If you forgot about him?" I knew not to say his name. He cringed every time someone did.

Axel finally turned his head and looked at me, shaking his head. A sad smile ghosted his lips. "Would I be happier? Probably. But will I ever be able to forget him?" He left the question hanging in the air, turning his head back to the window. I sighed.

"Did you hear Sora and I arguing?"

All he did was nod.

"I'm sorry."

"Me too," he whispered, and I could see the tear slip down his cheek. I brought my arms around him in a hug, leaning myself against his side.

"I know, Axel. I know."

We stayed like that for a while, my arms wrapped around him, with Axel just looking out the window. I knew he appreciated what I was doing for him, even though he never said it. God, he was so broken, and I couldn't fix him. All I could do was take care of him and hope he'd fix himself.

**Axel, September 16th, 2013**

It's been 5 years since he drowned, and I still haven't gotten over it. The pain and guilt just eats at me.

My fault.

We should never have gone to the river.

I never should have fallen asleep.

I should have jumped in faster.

I should have tried harder.

"I'm sorry Roxas," I whispered, my voice cracking on his name, kneeling down in the dirt at his grave. A few weeds poked through, threatening to kill the daffodils planted there, and I tore them out savagely. I never gardened anymore except for when I planted the daffodil seeds I had collected that day, and to pull any weeds. He deserved only the best.

"Your daffodils bloomed last spring, did you see them?" I asked, staring up at the sky. "Took almost five years, but they were so beautiful. Just like you. Yellow always was your favorite color. And those yellow butterflies you love so much couldn't leave them alone, it's like they knew…"

"Next spring they'll bloom again, and the spring after that, and the spring after that," I whispered, swiping my arm across my face. "I'm sorry I can't do more. That I couldn't do more." I wasn't talking about the daffodils anymore. "Just the sound of your name kills me, and I miss you so much. Sora misses you too, but he can't stand being here. He hates this river. I want to hate it. I want an excuse not to come here and feel this pain, but I can't. I loved you too much. I still love you too much. I can't hate it, it would be like hating a part of you. I bet your heaven looks just like this damn place."

My hands clenched into fists on my knees, and I trembled as the tears fell and hit the dirt on your grave. "I've come here every Monday, for five years. And I still miss you so much it feels like my heart is breaking every day. I can't stand it. I'm sorry I couldn't save you."

I just sat there, kneeling in the dirt and letting the tears fall to the ground. "Don't hate me," I whispered, feeling the slight breeze tug at my hair. "Please don't hate me."

I stood up, wiped my eyes, and took a deep breath. It was time.

I walked over to the edge of the riverbank, the exact spot where I last saw Roxas, and looked down. The water looked exactly the same as that day, and I let the memories wash over me. Remembering his face one last time, I dived into the water, and even when my lungs screamed for air I did not resurface. The current carried me downstream, and my head slammed against the same rock that I found Roxas up against. Blackness clouded my mind, either from the blow to my head or lack of oxygen, but I did not care.

* * *

"We think he attempted to commit suicide," I heard someone say. Were they talking about me? I tried to open my eyes to see what was happening around me, but they refused to open. I couldn't move my arms either, or any part of my body actually.

"Oh, god," I heard Riku's familiar voice say. "Is he going to be alright?" he asked, and I cursed myself. I definitely wasn't dead like I wanted to be.

"We don't know yet. He has a severe concussion, and part of his skull was cracked. We believe he hit his head on something. He's heavily sedated right now, and he might wake up in a few hours. You're welcome to stay here until he wakes up."

"Thank you, doctor, I think I will."

Well, that explained why I couldn't move. And why my head was killing me. Why couldn't they just let me die? Please let me die, I begged, trying to open my mouth and form the words. I exhausted myself trying to do something, anything for hours, until I finally got tired and fell asleep.

I woke up a few hours later, groggy but able to open my eyes. I looked around and saw Riku asleep in an uncomfortable-looking chair in the corner. A doctor was checking my vitals, and I reached a heavy hand up to grab his coat.

"Doctor," I whispered, and he turned around.

"Hello, sir, you're finally awake. How are you feeling?" He asked, and I ignored him.

"Why couldn't you let me die?" I asked. "Why did you save me? I need to see him. Please let me see him."

"Hmm," the doctor said, as Riku began to stir. "Seems to be delirious." He wrote something down on his pad. "I'll sedate you again and maybe you'll feel better later."

"No!" I said as loudly as I could in my weak voice. I needed him to understand. Riku jumped up and quickly moved to the bed while the doctor fiddled with the IV plugged into my arm.

"Riku, please," I said. "Please. I need to see him again." I grabbed his arm and he looked at me, pain flashing across his face.

The IV was pumping something into my bloodstream that was making me groggy, and my hand dropped.

"Please," I whispered, before I went under again. This time not everything was black. I could see your face. For the first time in five years, I could see every detail of your face. Your beautiful face. I tried to reach my arm out to feel you, but I couldn't move.

Suddenly I was sitting next to you, looking down at the river, and it scared me. I hated you being so close to the river, but you always did love this place.

Roxas started talking to me, and I felt the tears stream down my face. I could hear him. I could hear his voice, exactly his voice, not the terrible scream that always played in my head. Your hand grabbed mine, and I could feel the warmth. You felt so...real.

"It's time to go, Axel."

I looked at him, confused, and he gestured to the water.

"No," I said. "Please stay with me. I need you to stay with me."

He smiled at me, his lovely, wonderful, beautiful smile. "We'll be together, I promise. Just hold my hand and jump."

I was terrified of what would happen when I hit the water, but I didn't want to lose him. I nodded and he started swinging his feet. "You ready?"

"Yes. I love you. Don't let go."

"I won't."

I took a deep breath and pushed myself off the edge, and felt Roxas do the same next to me. "Don't let me go!" I screamed over the rush of wind seconds before we hit the water.

* * *

"Let him go," Riku whispered, putting a hand in front of the doctor. Axel's vitals were going wild, and the doctor was about to stabilize him before Riku stopped him. "Let him go," he repeated, pain lacing the words.

The doctor looked like he was about to say something, but then stopped himself. "Alright. I'll say we did all we could. I'm sorry."

Riku just nodded, silently crying. Axel was finally going to be at peace.


End file.
